Posted by: Pete
on Feb 3, 2012
Couples fight for many reasons. Yet, at the heart of most fights are violated expectations.
There is a significant difference between expectations and desires and it is this difference that causes much painful struggling in couples relationships. Expectations have a “should” quality implied about them. For example, "My partner should do X. It’s just the right thing to do. Therefore I have permission to be passive without putting much effort into helping bring those expectations into being."
However, when someone really desires something and especially if they want it quite fiercely, they will activate themselves to obtain it. Desire alone is not sufficient to realize the harvest, but it kindles effort.
Too often when couples are fighting, one partner is saying they want an outcome or they wish for something, but what they really mean is, “I expect my partner will comply with my expectation, without my exerting any effort." Of course, it is never expressed that way!
It can challenge us as therapists to confront this passivity. Here is one way you might bring the passivity to a client’s attention....
