Blog entries

We have moved this blog to our new website. ...

Ellyn — Sat, 11 Aug 2012 21:45:35 +0100

Please visit the blog on our new website.

Conflict Avoidance: Shifting Relationship Impasses, Part 2

Ellyn — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 15:02:54 +0100

Thanks a lot to those of you who took time to write your thoughts about the transcript I last posted. You were processing many of the issues involved.

I picked this couple because they demonstrate many traits that are common in intensity avoiding and conflict avoiding couples. As I sat in the session with them, I could viscerally feel how disengaged they had become. I knew they would not change from insight alone! I asked myself:

Why does the wife have so much difficu...

Conflict Avoidance: Shifting Relationship Impasses

Ellyn — Fri, 09 Mar 2012 17:12:41 +0100

About a year ago, I wrote a series of newsletters dissecting one session with a particular couple. It seemed to motivate readers to exchange ideas on the blog. I’d like to revisit that format and ask you to think developmentally along with me.

Suppose this is a new couple that has come to see you. They’ve been married for 12 years after dating for 3 years and have 3 children ages 11, 8 and 6. They report feeling disengaged. They say they can handle logistics w...

Couples’ Fights: What is One Big Common Denominator?

Pete Pearson — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 20:11:28 +0100

Couples fight for many reasons. Yet, at the heart of most fights are violated expectations.

There is a significant difference between expectations and desires and it is this difference that causes much painful struggling in couples relationships. Expectations have a “should” quality implied about them. For example, "My partner should do X. It’s just the right thing to do. Therefore I have permission to be passive without putting much effort into helping bring those expectati...

Highlights from Psychology of Health, Immunity and Disease Conference

Ellyn — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 16:57:14 +0100

As 2011 draws to a close, I thought I’d share with you a few of the useful things I learned at the NICABM Conference on Health and Immunity. I enjoy this conference so much because it exposes me to so many interesting perspectives beyond the psychotherapy world.

John Cacioppo

John Cacioppo, a researcher from the University of Chicago, talked passionately about the central role of our human need for social connection and how being lonely actually ...

Fear of Couples Therapy

Ellyn — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 23:04:49 +0100

Many therapists are drawn to doing psychotherapy in order to be helpers and also because we enjoy the closeness with our clients. Individual therapy can be calming and comfortable. It feels good and we often like the experience of providing support and unconditional positive regard to our clients.

I don’t mean to imply that individual therapy is without its difficult confrontations. But in individual therapy, our clients can titrate how slowly or quickly they inform us about thei...

New Ways to Create Collaboration for Severely Distressed Couples

Ellyn — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 05:00:00 +0100

October is here. Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas all quickly tumble into the family, creating stress for couples. School has been underway long enough for kids’ schedules, the demands of various activities, and homework challenges to create additional stress. Couples start fighting much more than they did in the summer months. Their lack of ability to collaborate effectively becomes apparent. Perhaps they call a therapist or perhaps they wait even longer.

Too freq...

Joy, Reslilence and Gratitude

Ellyn — Mon, 29 Aug 2011 18:12:13 +0100

How often do you talk to your couples about joy, resilience and gratitude? Three weeks in Africa taught me that I certainly don't talk about these topics enough.

I am on a Lufthansa flight flying back to my world after deliberately removing myself from it for the last 23 days. I have not seen clients or even thought about sessions. I had no access to email or telephone. I could write to you about the adventure and drama of the wildebeest migration, or about the monogamous dik dik (Afri...

More on The Great Attachment Debate

Ellyn — Mon, 18 Jul 2011 15:20:56 +0100

We continue to review The Great Attachment Debate, a series of interviews published in Psychology Networker. I wrote about the first three experts in last month’s blog post. This time I will summarize the contributions of Dr. David Schnarch, Sue Johnson, and Dr. Alan Schore and invite readers to share their views.

The next interview was with Dr. David Schnarch, who strongly attacked attachment-based therapy. He reported having so m...

Lorie Teagno's response to "The Great Attachment Debate"

Ellyn — Wed, 29 Jun 2011 18:20:42 +0100

I really enjoyed and felt enlivened by David Schnarch's presentation and felt like a professional "prayer" was answered as I have struggled in the past decade with the direction couples therapy was going with the dominance of attachment, neurobiology and EFT focus as THE ANSWER, the ONE TRUE path to helping clients become whole, satisfied and intimate beings and partners.

While the attachment research has been an asset to clinicians, where I find myself confused and perplexed is when t...

The Great Attachment Debate

Ellyn — Wed, 15 Jun 2011 13:39:21 +0100

As you and my other loyal readers know, I am constantly looking for effective ways to integrate the best concepts from Attachment Theory, Differentiation Theory and Neuroscience into my couples work. As far back as 1995, I set up a live debate between Harville Hendrix, David Schnarch and myself on this topic. In my consultation groups we are always working to push the edges of these theories and apply them to challenging couples, learning how to distinguish when to use interve...

Challenging Communication with your Conflict Avoidant Couples

Ellyn — Thu, 26 May 2011 13:00:14 +0100

About two weeks ago late on a Monday afternoon, I sat in my office listening to a couple describe twenty years of conflict avoidance and intimacy avoidance. Their communication was packed with vague unspecified references and their reported behavior was overflowing with examples of passivity.

I thought, “This is going to be a challenging session. Do I have the energy for it? Am I up for the task? Will I be able to have an impact, to make a difference?”

Some cou...

Highlights from The Couples Conference 2011

Ellyn — Mon, 11 Apr 2011 20:28:02 +0100

The Couples Conference is always an exciting mix of experts presenting new ideas that stimulate thinking and discussion. This one was also deeply satisfying. At one point I found myself reflecting on how much has happened in the last 27 years. When Pete and I started The Couples Institute in 1984, we were warned by several mentors that we could never be successful specializing in couples. The specialty was too narrow. Couples wouldn’t come together, especially if they were tro...

Working to Build Attachment while Facilitating Differentiation

Ellyn — Tue, 22 Feb 2011 16:08:41 +0100

Last month I invited readers to list Attachment and Differentiation-based interventions in two different lists on the blog. A special thanks to those of you who shared your ideas.

Developing a strong direction with a high probability of success in couples therapy often involves supporting the couple's bond and simultaneously stressing differentiation. What does this actually look like as you start out with a couple?

In early sessions, it is important to define what ...

Integrating The Best of Attachment and Differentiation Theories

Ellyn — Mon, 03 Jan 2011 15:40:02 +0100

Another year has arrived. I will continue to write blogs and give you thoughts and transcripts. One of my aims for this year is to encourage more involvement on this blog from you, my readers. My online training groups have been using their blogs in stimulating discussions. I’d like you to jump in and do the same. For this first blog of 2011, I’ll make this kind of interaction easy. I'm going to ask you to list attachment based and differentiation based interventions that you frequently use w...

Please List Attachment Based Interventions That You Use

Ellyn — Mon, 03 Jan 2011 15:35:17 +0100

Constancy of Contact. Find one time each week that the couple will get together without discussing relationship problems. This can be a walk, a coffee date or doing a shared activity. The time and place are agreed to ahead of time and neither partner needs to request it. This is designed to build reliability, accountability and time together without stress.

Please List Differentiation Based Interventions That You Use

Ellyn — Mon, 03 Jan 2011 15:30:25 +0100

Do not accept vague, incomplete or passive answers to your questions. Take time to ask each partner to reflect inward and answer your questions.

Highlights of Hilton Head

Ellyn — Tue, 21 Dec 2010 21:11:23 +0100

On the radio at 6am this morning, I heard that there were ice storms today in the Carolinas. “Pete, I am glad we were there last week and not now. We thought it was bad to freeze our hands and hit rock-like tennis balls on the tennis courts at 19 degrees, but at least we were not driving in the ice!”

We recently spent four days in Hilton Head, South Carolina, teaching and attending the conference for the National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine. We had...

Beyond Listening Skills: Developing Compassion and Empathy

Ellyn — Mon, 22 Nov 2010 22:51:24 +0100

So, after several months of us working with a single session with Tom and Vicky, I am now posting the final section of this transcript. Before reading it you might want to review last month’s post and some of the insightful comments by your colleagues.

We begin this section with only about 10 minutes left in the session. Until this point, much of the focus has been on Tom. Now, I want to check in and work with Vicky before the session ends.

I step partially out of the In...

Working with Early Trauma in the Initiator-Inquirer

Ellyn — Fri, 01 Oct 2010 05:00:00 +0100

When you are doing Initiator-Inquirer sessions, be sure to watch how partners function in their assigned roles. The combination of the role and each partner's functioning will give you a clear insight into each partner's level of differentiation. You will see where each person breaks down and you will also be able to locate past trauma that is being re-enacted in the current relationship.

Today's blog post is a continuation of the session with Vicki and Tom.

This session...