Posted by: Pete
on Feb 3, 2012
Couples fight for many reasons. Yet, at the heart of most fights are violated expectations.
There is a significant difference between expectations and desires and it is this difference that causes much painful struggling in couples relationships. Expectations have a “should” quality implied about them. For example, "My partner should do X. It’s just the right thing to do. Therefore I have permission to be passive without putting much effort into helping bring those expectations into being."
However, when someone really desires something and especially if they want it quite fiercely, they will activate themselves to obtain it. Desire alone is not sufficient to realize the harvest, but it kindles effort.
Too often when couples are fighting, one partner is saying they want an outcome or they wish for something, but what they really mean is, “I expect my partner will comply with my expectation, without my exerting any effort." Of course, it is never expressed that way!
It can challenge us as therapists to confront this passivity. Here is one way you might bring the passivity to a client’s attention....
Posted by: ellyn
on Dec 23, 2011
As 2011 draws to a close, I thought I’d share with you a few of the useful things I learned at the NICABM Conference on Health and Immunity. I enjoy this conference so much because it exposes me to so many interesting perspectives beyond the psychotherapy world.
Posted by: ellyn
on Nov 30, 2011
Many therapists are drawn to doing psychotherapy in order to be helpers and also because we enjoy the closeness with our clients. Individual therapy can be calming and comfortable. It feels good and we often like the experience of providing support and unconditional positive regard to our clients.
I don’t mean to imply that individual therapy is without its difficult confrontations. But in individual therapy, our clients can titrate how slowly or quickly they inform us about their “dark side”. In couples work, the other partner may dump the worst aspects of their spouse on us in the first session. And things escalate quickly because, after all, who is able to be openly, vulnerably accountable for their own behavior under these conditions?
In couples therapy you will likely witness partners being brutal or very self-centered with each other. You may have to face how vicious a client can actually be. You will be called upon to make difficult confrontations. And these can be scary!
Posted by: ellyn
on Oct 24, 2011
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October is here. Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas all quickly tumble into the family, creating stress for couples. School has been underway long enough for kids’ schedules, the demands of various activities, and homework challenges to create additional stress. Couples start fighting much more than they did in the summer months. Their lack of ability to collaborate effectively becomes apparent. Perhaps they call a therapist or perhaps they wait even longer.
Too frequently they wait until their problems have become chronic. John Gottman says, "People wait an average of 6 years to get any couples counseling after distress" (Notarius). And now with worldwide intense economic pressures, couples wait even longer.
As a result, you and I are often confronted in early sessions with high-distress couples with chronic problems. And they have deeply hurt one another!
Posted by: ellyn
on Aug 29, 2011
How often do you talk to your couples about joy, resilience and gratitude? Three weeks in Africa taught me that I certainly don't talk about these topics enough.
I am on a Lufthansa flight flying back to my world after deliberately removing myself from it for the last 23 days. I have not seen clients or even thought about sessions. I had no access to email or telephone. I could write to you about the adventure and drama of the wildebeest migration, or about the monogamous dik dik (Africa's smallest antelope) or the flight response of the impala when they sense danger from the nearby lion, or how the wildebeest rely on zebras to help determine safety. But above all else I was deeply touched by the resilience and spirit of the people I met, and that is what I am writing about.
Posted by: ellyn
on Jul 18, 2011
We continue to review The Great Attachment Debate, a series of interviews published in Psychology Networker. I wrote about the first three experts in last month’s blog post. This time I will summarize the contributions of Dr. David Schnarch, Sue Johnson, and Dr. Alan Schore and invite readers to share their views.
Posted by: ellyn
on Jun 29, 2011
I really enjoyed and felt enlivened by David Schnarch's presentation and felt like a professional "prayer" was answered as I have struggled in the past decade with the direction couples therapy was going with the dominance of attachment, neurobiology and EFT focus as THE ANSWER, the ONE TRUE path to helping clients become whole, satisfied and intimate beings and partners.
While the attachment research has been an asset to clinicians, where I find myself confused and perplexed is when the research on attachment is applied to clinical interpretations of what a resilient, loving adult relationship is and should be. Maybe it’s me, but so often I hear at these conferences the call to help our clients create the pristine, secure attachment with their significant other that they “should have had” or “needed” with their primary caregiver.
I am of the belief that human beings and all beings always have the opportunity to evolve or change, and sometimes not at our own initiation. That is the nature of existing or co-existing. We are influenced by factors both within and outside of ourselves. To this end I have always believed that the original attachment bond is certainly important to the social, emotional and psychological aspects of the infant, but like so many systems in the human and other parts of nature, there is overlap in the system designed to ensure survival. Thinking along these lines, I believe that any of us who do not receive optimal bonding have innumerable opportunities in our lifetimes to change, repair or replace that bonding, and that the choice is the most reliable when it begins with ourselves.
Posted by: ellyn
on Jun 15, 2011
As you and my other loyal readers know, I am constantly looking for effective ways to integrate the best concepts from Attachment Theory, Differentiation Theory and Neuroscience into my couples work. As far back as 1995, I set up a live debate between Harville Hendrix, David Schnarch and myself on this topic. In my consultation groups we are always working to push the edges of these theories and apply them to challenging couples, learning how to distinguish when to use interventions from each of these theories.
Posted by: ellyn
on May 26, 2011
About two weeks ago late on a Monday afternoon, I sat in my office listening to a couple describe twenty years of conflict avoidance and intimacy avoidance. Their communication was packed with vague unspecified references and their reported behavior was overflowing with examples of passivity.
I thought, “This is going to be a challenging session. Do I have the energy for it? Am I up for the task? Will I be able to have an impact, to make a difference?”
Some couples work very hard to avoid any intensity. They seek stability, security, and harmony. I know from experience that they do not change from insight. I’m going to be looking for how I can be sure that what goes on in the session will be significantly different from what would happen if I wasn’t there. I want a higher intensity level than they would be able to handle, tolerate or allow on their own. Even though I know it is their experience in the room with me that will make the difference, I still wonder, “Will they allow me to direct, confront and support them? Will they tenaciously hold on to old patterns that feel safe? Will I get repeatedly ensnared in their communication process?”
Posted by: ellyn
on Apr 11, 2011
The Couples Conference is always an exciting mix of experts presenting new ideas that stimulate thinking and discussion. This one was also deeply satisfying. At one point I found myself reflecting on how much has happened in the last 27 years. When Pete and I started The Couples Institute in 1984, we were warned by several mentors that we could never be successful specializing in couples. The specialty was too narrow. Couples wouldn’t come together, especially if they were troubled. And they certainly wouldn’t take time off work for daytime appointments. We persisted anyway and of course none of those dire predictions came true.
Then I remembered back to 1995 when Jeff Zeig and I created the first Couples Conference. There was competition among the faculty, and turf wars predominated. Fast forward to April 2011: this Conference was characterized by respect and collaboration. Respect for the contributions of one another and for our clients, and what we have learned from them. Collaboration and discussion with each other and the audience. And a genuine desire to move the field forward.
It was also very special for me to meet some of the therapists from my online training program – in person.
Read on for a brief summary of highlights, to give you the flavor and the excitement of the event.
