Posted by: ellyn
on Mar 27, 2012
Thanks a lot to those of you who took time to write your thoughts about the transcript I last posted. You were processing many of the issues involved.
I picked this couple because they demonstrate many traits that are common in intensity avoiding and conflict avoiding couples. As I sat in the session with them, I could viscerally feel how disengaged they had become. I knew they would not change from insight alone! I asked myself:
Posted by: ellyn
on Mar 9, 2012
About a year ago, I wrote a series of newsletters dissecting one session with a particular couple. It seemed to motivate readers to exchange ideas on the blog. I’d like to revisit that format and ask you to think developmentally along with me.
Suppose this is a new couple that has come to see you. They’ve been married for 12 years after dating for 3 years and have 3 children ages 11, 8 and 6. They report feeling disengaged. They say they can handle logistics well, but there is no emotional or sexual intimacy. You teach them the Initiator-Inquirer process early in therapy and soon after you ask the wife to initiate.
I’d like you to read how it begins, consider my direction with the couple and describe what you are learning about them. In a couple of weeks, I will take you deeper into this session.
Posted by: ellyn
on May 26, 2011
About two weeks ago late on a Monday afternoon, I sat in my office listening to a couple describe twenty years of conflict avoidance and intimacy avoidance. Their communication was packed with vague unspecified references and their reported behavior was overflowing with examples of passivity.
I thought, “This is going to be a challenging session. Do I have the energy for it? Am I up for the task? Will I be able to have an impact, to make a difference?”
Some couples work very hard to avoid any intensity. They seek stability, security, and harmony. I know from experience that they do not change from insight. I’m going to be looking for how I can be sure that what goes on in the session will be significantly different from what would happen if I wasn’t there. I want a higher intensity level than they would be able to handle, tolerate or allow on their own. Even though I know it is their experience in the room with me that will make the difference, I still wonder, “Will they allow me to direct, confront and support them? Will they tenaciously hold on to old patterns that feel safe? Will I get repeatedly ensnared in their communication process?”
