Dr. Ellyn Bader

October 5, 2018 – Bonus Call with Diane Heller on Attachment Styles

 

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Elizabeth Bonet
Member

I’m still thinking about this call. One question that came up afterwards in working with a couple around co-regulating is what if you have them hug and they feel nothing – neither one of them?

Ellyn Bader
Admin

That would elicit enormous curiosity from me-especially around what is getting in the way of any warmth.
Have they psychologically left the marriage/relationship?
Are they really, really angry with each other?
Are they on the spectrum?
I’d go slow but want to figure that out asap.

Elizabeth Bonet
Member

That would be a (1) Yes (2) Yes (3) No, but the husband doesn’t have a lot of access to feelings other than anger. We’re working on that. The wife keeps trying to feel something, “anything” and wants to for the husband but continues, so far, to feel nothing for… Read more »

Lauren Ostrowski
Member
Lauren Ostrowski

Elizabeth, if they have psychologically left the marriage/relationship, what are their goals for coming in? Are they working on wanting to repair the relationship, to make a decision of some sort, or to separate? They don’t both have to be there for the same thing, but knowing what they are… Read more »

Elizabeth Bonet
Member

The husband came in to get the wife to stay in the marriage and the wife came in to make a decision. They’ve been angry for over 5 years, probably closer to 10 and have been together for 15. They don’t really have a love story to tell about meeting… Read more »

Lauren Ostrowski
Member
Lauren Ostrowski

Elizabeth, Do they want to grow closer?

How do they react to questions about what makes the other person feel loved, valued, appreciated, or special?

Elizabeth Bonet
Member

Hi Lauren, The wife does but the husband says outright that he’s not interested in growing closer, just “staying married.” He’s not interested in her at all – her thought process, stuff she wants to share throughout the day (her attempts to connect), etc. She also said she’s not interested… Read more »

Lauren Ostrowski
Member
Lauren Ostrowski

Elizabeth, I can’t remember if we’ve already talked about this, but what exactly are they coming in for? What are they hoping to get out of therapy? I wonder what it is about “staying married” that is so attractive to him. Was she talking while crying? How did her previous… Read more »

Lynn Roseberry
Member
Lynn Roseberry

I’m trying to download the slides but not getting anywhere. is there an issue with the website or is it a problem on my end? Can someone help?

Lynn Roseberry
Member
Lynn Roseberry

never mind – I managed to download them.
🙂

Janice McWilliams
Member

I talk a lot about regulating self through another person, so this really filled out the underpinnings of that need for so many of my clients. I’m eager to keep learning how to walk it out with clients in new ways.

Elizabeth Bonet
Member

I loved this call and all of the information presented. I was very familiar with all the types except disorganized! So loved the information about it. Also really enjoyed hearing about speech patterns. I have a podcast and through running it in the past couple of years have been much… Read more »

Lauren Ostrowski
Member
Lauren Ostrowski

Elizabeth, while I don’t know the answer to your question specifically related to the disorganized attachment style itself, you may like this call here with Diane that is dedicated to disorganized attachment: https://www.couplesinstitutetraining.com/april-28-2017/ Overall, yes, it is really helpful to get permission to interrupt clients. Another idea I usually ask… Read more »

Elizabeth Bonet
Member

Hi Lauren,
I listened to the disorganized one too already! Loved it! That’s a great way to frame the discussion – thank you!

Lauren Ostrowski
Member
Lauren Ostrowski

This is a great call! I like the reminder about being able to take things in. That also fits with the idea of giving and receiving that as part of the Developmental Model (I know it’s directly mentioned as part of the Paper Exercise in Lesson 9).

Jacklin Andrews
Member
Jacklin Andrews

I really enjoyed Diane’s presentation on attachment theory/practice. I will search out the presentation that she did before and I am looking forward to whenever she might be again be called to spend more time with us. Thank you
Jacklin H. Andrews

Michelle Koroll
Member

This was a great presentation and I learned a lot. I especially appreciated the question about Aspergers because I think people who are attachment avoidant or ambivalent could present as on the spectrum, but the determining factor is their history. This gives me lots of direction when encountering clients who… Read more »

Linda Clarkson
Member

This was an extremely helpful bonus call for me. While I do bring attachment into my couples work which helps to normalize couples interactions, I had no resources as to exercises to enhance positive attachment. My default has only been CBT to work on changing automatic negative thoughts.This is great!!

Mary Rogers
Member
Mary Rogers

very helpful – looking forward to putting this info to use with my clients!

Muriel Reid
Member
Muriel Reid

Diane Heller’s talk was an extremely helpful mix of theory and practice.I look forward to implementation of her ideas.
Muriel Reid

Jane Moses
Member

I’m on, but listening only. — Jane Moses

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